You’re an alcoholic.
It’s okay, me too. And probably a quarter of America. We’re addicted — usually socially — to this drug. We do things we wouldn’t otherwise do. We lack the capacity or desire to stop. Replace alcohol with any drug in your story, and no one would deny you’re an addict.
I think one of the most dangerous stigmas around alcohol is the 2019 apprehension to call alcoholism out. To excuse negative behavior as something other than ‘that word’. Why? Because there’s someone more addicted? Because you’re not what comes to mind when you picture ‘alcoholic’?
Your story has every tell-tale sign of alcoholism. There’s no shame in that word. In fact, the sooner we own it, the sooner we can deal with ourselves, a nation of alcoholics.
Good luck on your continued journey.